Memory

Secret


Oh, do you have a secret – that was a question addressed to me long time ago. I already forget who was asked me, but the question was direct and clear. And I knew its a serious question people might ask you.

I do have secrets, not only a secret – I think I did answer the question like that.

Even I spoke like that, actually, even me myself doesn’t really know what was my secrets, maybe it truly hidden deep inside, even the owner can’t peek it freely.

I can never judge, whether having a secret is something good and bad. Its beyond the white and black sides. The heart’s content is something that we should call as privacy – the space even God only can enter with permission of the owner.

And we push other to agree “there is must be no secret between us” – I think we already killed to capability of respecting someone’s right of privacy, it killed the very love its self.

Love means the root of universal understanding, when one doesn’t feel to keep any secret, one wouldn’t – so why bothering it. Don’t hurt someone to tell something that hurt one’s heart, do not push your believe to other, it may not fix well.

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Colourless Nightmare


When it used to come in the past, I still can remember clearly that it would made me cry unintentionally. It still as clear as the day it was happened. I should know, the day when she took my heart and stabbed it right in front of my eyes – this life would be never the same again.

I know then, when I opened this very eyes, I am already heartless. I know the sense of love, but I no longer can feel it. I know the sense of pain and the fear of nightmare, but merely can’t touch it. I lost the me who were able to fall in love, who were able to touch the pain of being hurt, who were able to grasp the beauty of morning breeze.

When I got a colourless nightmare, I know I lost the capability of being human completely, just when I became heartlessly.

If people can not see the bright of the sunlight, we call them blinds, but when the me now even can not feel the very sense itself, I think I do understand the feeling of leaving the light of life, walk inside the dark maze.

But I can find no regret, I have give my heart to her completely, it wasn’t a choice, but a freedom completely to love fully. I did and only has one heart, and I did already give it completely to someone I dear most, even she then stabbed it in front of my eyes – I think I am glad, at least I see the truth in the last, that her love never exist at all.

Now I am a heartless being, with only a deep wound within.  And, colourless nightmare would be the only colour of the night. Or someday maybe, there would be colourless tears.

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Rain Under Your Umbrella


The simple phrases “Rain under your umbrella”, I’m not quite sure where I ever got those words entering my head. Maybe when I read “Salad Days” in past few years behind. Well, you may have been reading my post about “Dark Rain” before, yes my small city is under melancholy rain right now.

Suddenly those phrases run away wild inside my mind. I think people should get warmth and comfort when they were in trouble & reaching their closest one for shelter. But sometimes, even your heart reaches the one you looking for, the issue may not just vanish away.

We may find something as the opposite as what we start to hope on the moment before. Life is full of surprise, that we won’t able to know exactly how to future would take a form.

I would let it goes, even the rain under your umbrella, but my heart would stay just like this, warm as always just by stand by you.

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I am not a meditator


An old friend ever asked me whether I was being enrolled any meditation school to become a meditator. I simply said “no”, since I am not a meditator, nor doing any form of meditation methods. It has been a common opinion that one who is a meditator has some prestige value within the society. No, I have no idea about meditation or being a meditator. I am simply a child within this vast universe, simply flow with the rhythm of life and the wind of my emotions.

I have no interest in meditation, but I won’t say it has no good for one’s life. Many people has found a great help inside meditation world, I have been given some chances to join multiple meditation class or short course. But for me a flowing life is a great breath without any boundaries. Ah…, maybe since I still have my young spirit. If you feel good with meditation – why not?

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Visiting tomb of the past


Yesterday I was visiting a tomb of the past. I was looking back, what I have been leaving behind, inside the stream of my very own breath. There were a lot of things those holding me back there, one of them I know it as fear. Fear made me denied myself from entering a path of unknown – path of non-sureness.

Even I knew that subtle formless thing was fear itself, but deep within me, there was never brought up an understanding about this circumstance. It was so dark, a pitch black mist which no such a weak mind like mine would be able to grasp something. The more I went deeper, the more I lost myself, the more I confused about direction.

But I was very full of myself, I asked no guidance nor opinion of others, I kept everything by myself – and believed if someday I can overcome everything by myself. Yes, everything was just about me – I was very full of myself. But I wouldn’t dare to say if today I am free of this kind ego.

Then, the more deeper I was looking for the root of my problem, my fear – I’ve found nothing, nothing at all, nothing but a dark and unknown surrounding. I was desperate, I was cried a lot, all by myself. Today I think, there is a part of me (or maybe all part of me) so fragile.

Yesterday, I was looking back on all that. What was I searching for? Was I wanting become a fearless entity? Was I wanting to understand the root of my fear? Or was just I want to know, what was happening to me?

I think, I have been wasting to much time, searching for the ‘me’ which never wanted to fully open itself for itself. Wasting to much time in looking for ‘me’ which is the creator of its own fear. If I am the fear itself, the I have no much choice but to live with it. Not opposing fear – I hope – would give me a chance somewhere in which a windows of understanding shall opened by itself.

It is a tomb of past, but still it is the present and the very future itself. Yet, I don’t understand that much, but there is something within me is saying, it feels that much.

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Because of love?


I remember one ever asked me, “why you do all this? because of love?” So what was my answer back there? I have no answer, till now there is still no answer. If my act was based on a mere love, a mere feeling, then that very feeling is the corrupted reasoning that I can find endorsement for my act. There was no right, there was no wrong, I have had no time to think all those things back there.

Well, you may call it love, since the very act itself maybe a love form. But I never thought what was my reason, what I shall achieve by my act. Or, you may call me stupid – I think it is more suitable for me. I remember Alexander Humboldt ever said:

I am more and more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves.

I would let the nature decide my path, since I am not a creator nor I am a seeker. I walk with life, my life, and I am the very life itself.

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Moon under the rose


I was sitting on the second floor’s veranda when a night fallen down. A beautiful white rose was inside ceramic vase with beautiful traditional ornament on it. A dark night that I wished to be ended, just by waiting the moon shows up under the rose.

Moon under the rose, is a beginning of a bright night sky, when people can walk clearly and safely even above the unknown land.

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