So, a new chapter perhaps it means for a new topic, a new arch, or just a new joke in this life – as how my friends and families start to ask: when will you get a partner in this life? you should start get a serious relationship, shouldn’t you? Or something like that. Ah, really, when people get into those sub-arches, I know how life can be so painful – ha ha…, just kidding.

Of course I don’t think they say it wrong, or neither I do take the wrong turn – it is just not the time (yet) or should I make a quantum leap on this arch?

In other words, it shall be a special chapter – but obviously need a special character to make it complete, one that wins my heart completely. How? It would be very simple, just make me say this sentence…

I shall give my heart to you, I will always be there for you, and I won’t ever let you alone nor let you feel any loneliness.

That is an enchanted spell, the core magic, to perform an eternal contract to the most ancient ruin within me – which is love.

And this chapter still far away, but indeed, it is a new chapter in this life. Perhaps I shall write it, but I won’t deny there is a possibility I won’t add this chapter into my life. Everything has their own harmonies, let them sing, let them dance, so life will be a blissful life.

I wonder what I got, and when I opened it, wow…! I got another Tax!

Well, thanks Chubby, now I can sleep tight tonight.

Thanks for sharing this last four years – in joy and tears.

Life, surely a random path, I never know what would I meet in the next steps. Perhaps, I’ll need to call you back, for a little help or two, I don’t know – but there is something I know, and its a precious thing, isn’t it mon ami?

I left so many memories back there, smile, laugh, tears, everything for this past seven and a half years. It is a strange mix between happiness and sadness, between acceptances and negations.

Somehow I wish the time turns back once more, to the very moment when I said I love you.

And I know, with my condition right now, I’ll lost them pretty soon, soon enough for a couple of eyes to blink.

And those whole stories which reside within my memory shall sink to the unknown deep, on their last resting place, until the end of time.

Time already takes you, world already hides you, and now I’m not even sure my mind can not even hold you tight. How still can I say to myself that I love you.

I rode the winds, and they remembered me the place where were night full of sparkling little humble smiles, and where were the day became of vast glittering song of happiness and understanding.

On the last street, I was whispering to myself, “Now, I can say my goodbye – perhaps.”

I am leaving my memories here, in this old capital, perhaps – someday in future – I get a chance of returning, even when I can’t remember a single thing, what I left behind shall lead me – since they were made by hearts.

I am leaving, I am alone, and still I am in love. Yes, it makes me feel like being a human now.

Life is so flimsy, one answer perhaps able to support it, and another shall make it crumble – even they were the very same answer you gave to it.

It just as a simple scenery after the rain, you can find rain drops everywhere. Perhaps you were wondering how the drops got over there – everywhere? How about their journey was in the sky? And all the question you can pick freely from each drop of the rain.

But there is no answer for all those questions, because you weren’t there when all those happened. If there are some answers, perhaps they come from your knowledge, your memories, your way of thinking, your hypothesis – everything that are not genuine experience, everything but not the life itself.

Seeing all this, I say to myself, let the drops fall, just watch it passionately just as you watch the most dear one.

Without a word, they are the little globes of natural happiness.

If you really watch, and just watch, perhaps you shall met the life itself. The life which is living, which is pure, which is genuine. The life that has no past no future, no beginning nor has an end. When you meet the life itself, all the questions shall stop there – just like that.

When a restless mind comes, I share no happiness nor sadness, I receive no right nor obligation. I simply am a twisted gyrate emotion.

And then…, I just let myself fell into a deep rest, with nature hold me tightly, like a sparkling falling star that touched the earth after a restless journey – never let it go back to the sky.

I am now the sky, I am now the earth, I has no beginning – nor I has an end.

This is a tale of a restless mind.

Wherever you see the vast sky, even from a mere window, we can deny that it so marvelous.

Hundreds year back, perhaps we only look it as something too high to catch. It said there is where heavens made their first stone, and miracles start their first breath. A lot of people dream to reach the sky, to find the unrevealed curiosity.

Then today, when people already sit nicely inside airplane, taking photographs from space ship/lab. Even when all the sky have been chart with their winds and clouds, people still see it as one of the marvelous space above the ground.

There were times, when sky looks so blur, so cloudy even where there is no much cloud lingering under its soft blue.

Just alike of an old memories covering the sigh of present. Looking from down here, only pieces of hopes and gladness.

They said, if people are in love, even they were separate by great distant, they still close each other.

So, why while it so high, the sky feels so close. Am I hallucinating, is my mind blurring, or perhaps I am in love.

Well, let the question stay there, since the answer maybe as high as the sky itself.

I don’t want to see the world anymore…

A first sound comes in humble harmony through my shallow consciousness. But why…? Why must those words, question by question are popping up out of nowhere.

I don’t want to see lie,

So I close my eyes….

I don’t want to see violence,

So I close my eyes….

I don’t want to see hatred,

So I close my eyes….

But then, I do know, if those everything I don’t want, then perhaps I don’t want to see the world itself.

Then again, I am the world, the all creation are me. If I don’t want to see the world perhaps I don’t want to see my own self. I’ve closed my eyes for myself.

Now, let me be honest, at least to myself.

Now, I lay down in some big strange empty space. Perhaps I’ve closed my eyes since I found something I dislike within, and reflected toward the world around me.

Perhaps there are lie, violence and hatred within me, in many ways so subtle, and all I can see only their reflection in my surrounding space. Within the gloomy atmosphere that trying to capture my very soul.

There is nothing I can do (yet), while on this path I closed my eyes, then I let stillness overflowing my existence, so I can see clearly what I truly am – just when this way of closed eyes end its’ path.

People (commonly) know (maybe understand too) that someone can not force those point of views to others.

But well, there are always persistent one, force what they believe to others. As much as they care that their act would bring “a better world” (in their belief) – as much as I careless about all that.

The sky is vast, a single human view can not cover all of it instantly. So I prefer to walk on the path that I see, instead the path that other believes to see or (worse) believes to exist. Whether it shall under the light or within the darkness, I’ll walk my own path.

If I see a lotus is big enough to cover the sky from my sight, then my path is about how little the sky, and how big is the flower.

Everything is about point of view.

If I say that I believe in “little sky and big flower”, it doesn’t mean you have to believe it too. Human has to find this life, as how he/she lives fully above this planet.

When someone has no tendency in believing something, then there will be a wing of freedom, which bring the abundant energy to understand this very life – deeper and deeper, to touch the peace – softer and softer, to share the love, more and more.

Merry Christmas

To all my beloved friends who celebrate Christmas. May you all able to share love and be shared with it.

Yes, being capable to share with others, someone must rich. If you have nothing, then, there is nothing to share.

If you are rich in money, so you can share them. If you are rich in knowledge, yes – you can share them. If you are rich in wisdom, just share them. And, if you are rich in happiness, obviously you can share them. So why not, being rich is not a bad thing.

But, how about being poor? Someone can not share anything by being poor, can he? Yes, you can not give anyone anything if you have none. Which is make nobody bother you for something if you walk your way down the street, since you has nothing.

If you are poor of money, you can start to work; but if you can work because of you lack of knowledge or skill, you can start to learn; then, if you can find anything seems fit for you, you can start to acknowledge which bring wisdom in to your front door.  Which means, if you are poor, then you can freely start to live, to move, to dance, to sing, to everything you never has before, just like the world are a new.

If you are rich, you can fill the world with anything you has; if you are poor you can let the world fill you with everything it has. If you are rich and yet poor, perhaps you are already in perfection. If you can fill and be filled freely, perhaps you are already the within the Shambhala, the land of enlightenment.

If you can perceive this form and formless talk even a little, then perhaps you are a little sanctuary, a little happiness.

The questions go on and on, while an answer yet to found.

The same question I’ve been addressing to myself. If I see other, what shall I see in you, shall I see myself, the same humanity? If I see you, shall I understand what we’ve addressed as you and me?

I wonder if people can understand each other, which implies not only understanding others but also oneself fully. I wonder if that would make this world better.

I wish I can see in you, so the world turn a new.

The first time we met, the music began to play, the night fallen softly, and the northern light danced beautifully. I was asking myself, whether I dream this meeting, and I still ask myself.

There were strange silence, so I could hear the sound of hundreds clocks, ticking throughout the space beyond ours.

From beyond those colourless wings, I could see the place you came from, as I felt not of this world where I breath and lived.

From beyond those colourless wing, I knew that would be our first and last met.

Thanks, for coming so far, just to bring a bottle of happiness you poured to my glass that very night.

Sometime there were happiness, sadness, joy, regret, and all this feeling we have from time to time. They just like the seasons change each passing year.

And there is things that stay still, even the time keeps moving forward, our feeling toward each other, the life we spend side by side. These things still unchanged no matter how many years has passed by.

They are simply precious since they are changing from time to time, and they are simply precious because they are still the same form time to time.

I think in the end, it’s all about the way we appreciate this very life.

I am aware that I can not fold time to the future, nor pull back what has become a bunch of memories. I feel the shallow of my consciousness, emerges slowly from the unknown.

Korean Lake (Image by BING Photography)

I stand within the unknown, and somehow I wish to cross over to where there would be the another unknown. What a stranger feeling, yet I don’t feel any discomfort from it, or perhaps – I just don’t realize it – yet.

I felt like walk calmly everyday, to somewhere where the stories of my life are kept.

Come here without wondering what lies beyond.

Perhaps it would be a waste if I throw away my curiosity, the source of all this energy to move forward. I’d like to explore each branches of my life, and not only hiding within the shadows of my past.

The way I spoke couldn’t reach you, because you are beyond all the words I’ve understand.

The way I saw couldn’t reveal you, since you are nor the body nor the idea.

The way I loved would never touch you, since the time I knew what is love, I’ve died along the whole me within.

You are the roses those rise beyond the rights and the wrongs, the way you pink me, is the most romantic line in this land of the living. Since you are, the very spirit of my breath.

But the simplicity I love doesn’t mean has nothing within, neither has no colorful pattern. Being simple is not the same as being flat, monochrome always, or any similar way.

Being simple is a state of mind, a matter of not taking everything outside into inside. So is not about having something too many or so little.

Simple is being able to put everything in the right place on the right moment.

I love simplicity, and I wish I could be a simple person.

I am a person that not suited within a crowd, so it would be my nature to avoid any crowded activity like parties or ceremonies, but it doesn’t mean I dislike it to the extent that I would run away from all of those.

I love to share happiness with people around me, including my friends on their happiest moments.

I wish the life grants wisdom and happiness for the couple.

When we together, I can feel the utmost freedom blowing softly through my wings. When we together, there is no place beyond my reach.

But now, when you are pouring all your heavy burdens, I realize how weak I am. All I can do, is waiting for your bright and clear moment to come again.

You are my sky, I am the sovereign wings under your bright clear blue.

Here, I am under your rain, patiently waiting for the moment when we can together again, my freedom giver.

(Inspired by Bing Photography).

When we can not see the work of our teammates, we just say, “lets have a faith in them“. The same way when one can not see God, the one says, “I believe in God“.  Belief is the most powerful glasses that we – human – ever invented. A double edge sword, which capable of turning right into wrong and the opposite.

Belief has become a prolongation of border of our sight, and an extremely greatest extension that can make people see beyond his reality.

But I think, for myself, being honest is the most pleasant way, joyful path, and burden-less journey.

Being  honest, I think, people should care most about reality, put all his heart into the life as they are. Which implies, seeing what he only sees, not beyond it since what beyond it is belief, non-fact, thought.

If one being honest with oneself, sometimes, one shall learn, that eyes aren’t the only instrument that human can use to see the reality.

Yes, border of our sight are our genuine limitation, but being limited is what human is, being honest of our limit is humble accepting our genuine existence in this world.

But this limit has made all of us capable of one great thing, that is to see the present as they are. Even we can not see the past and the future, but we can at one with our present if we honestly see them as they are.

Maybe life just hide its creativity where we can’t find it with an exhausted soul within our humanity. We are (too) busy with our (own) life, searching for that or perfecting this. And then we forget a simple question, what life is.

But, how can we remember, we were just too busy, weren’t we?

Instead of inquiring what life is, we spend much of energy to work, coping our stress, and then having some fun afterward. Aren’t we like that?

So, it is not uncommon we find ourself battling with anger, exhausted by hatred, or running within anxiety. Well, if we feel joy with all those daily things, why not?

But, even just by seeing all those happening, someone like me can get exhausted as well. Then I think, why not – for a moment – we hide our self, beyond this hatred, this anger, this anxiety?

We hide but doesn’t mean afraid of this life, but while stay away from all action-reaction laws, we can clearly see our nature, the nature of our world and life.

But it doesn’t mean we could understand the world if we merely just hide. What beyond this hiding, is for you to find it. For now, for me, hiding seems fun enough, so let’s hide.

I do have some manuscripts, but never really intended to publish it for years. I don’t think profit and fame would satisfy me as a writer.

But then again, looking at what was happening lately. I mean the conflicts in this great nation, they just seem have no end.

A lot of people already exhausted with all this conflicts, violent everywhere, those sometimes got bloody. But I do always amazed about how conflicts pop up here and there, again and again, they seem never got tired at all.

Starting with fight between students (those are holding the future of this nation) to bombing that already twice this year. Somehow, I felt that flames of hatred not sparkling and spreading, but burning deep within the corner of nation that perhaps we never imagined it. Or, just I over imagined it?

Okay, before we go too broad and go nowhere, what I wish is that I can give something. Since I am a writer, I think of myself writing something, sharing my thoughts about how should this largest world’s archipelagos nation stay in peace and harmony.

I just get this first thought, and I said, perhaps writing a book is a good idea. And yet every citizen should take a part in pouring wisdom for nation, as how they can it.

But beside the movie itself, I love the song “I see the light” from the scene when Rapunzel and Eugene seeing the flying lanterns. It is a romantic and intuitive song, just like bringing a dream into reality.

Hearing again those lyrics…

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I’ve been
Now I’m here, blinking in the starlight
Now I’m here, suddenly I see Standing here, it’s all so clear
I’m where I am meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it’s like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

Eugene(Flynn):
All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she’s here shining in the starlight
Now she’s here, suddenly I know If she’s here it’s crystal clear
I’m where I’m meant to go

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):
And at last I see the light

Eugene (Flynn):
And it’s like the fog has lifted

Rapunzel & Eugene :
And at last I see the light

Rapunzel:
And it’s like the sky is new

Rapunzel & Eugene(Flynn):
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you, now that I see you

When someone already fulfilling one’s dream, one perhaps may start to create another dream for the future. And who knows, that dream already close by.

I seek no light, just simply in love with this charming humble path where I put a careful step after a single watchful step.

Life just a wonderful river, so shall never ‘exactly’ know where it’s stream would take you. You may find smiles, or perhaps unexplainable tears.

Indeed I never know where this flow will take me, but I see where I am now as long as I do not close my eyes of my surrounding.

This flowing path is not about where the light comes from, but this a journey where a light could bear.  Not seeking, only seeing delightfully.

They do not lament over the past, they yearn not for what is to come, they keep up themselves in the present, thus their complexion is serene.

Samyutta Nikaya 1.10

But, indeed, the past can’t be the present, nor shall I let it shadows the shape of future.

Now, there is a sunset within me.

At last, a peace comes upon me.

Then, facing a nightfall, I shall rested my very soul, since another journey may wait for me in the next sunrise.

Of all the fragrances — sandal, tagara, blue lotus and jasmine — the fragrance of virtue is the sweetest.

Dhammapada 4.55.

Despite his position in society, he barely has a few friends, only they who – unavoidably – need him will talk to him seriously. Well, he was known by all town folks for having a very bad manner, and arrogant.

Until one day, he can not keep up with his job on town council since he can’t approach people in the right way. People tend to avoid him, because his attitude.

He suddenly fell stressed by his circumstance, and more over, he fell lonely, very lonely. He wish become a more gentle person, but how, he never act kindly to anybody before.

So he decide to learn how to become kind. But after spent months in library for books and behavioural lectures, he still find himself so arrogant. He is so confused before an old librarian told him that there was a very kind person – a friend of him – who lives on top of the hill not far from the town, perhaps that poor man can learn something from that man.

He dashes quickly to top of the hill, and found a small cottage on the golden meadow. A very old man and a little girl are sitting under an old oak, while eating breads and enjoying tea.

This man knew in instant, that old man was the one he looked for. So, in order not to ruin his chance become a good man, he approaches the old man and the little girl gently.

“Good afternoon Sir.” He spoke gentler than ever, but still sound so rough. “A friend of yours told me that perhaps, you can lend me a help Sir.”

A long silent between them, and the old man seems only look at him shallowly without any sign of any intent, until he speaks again, “Sir…?”

Still no reaction more than that from the old man. And then the little girl speaks softly, “I am sorry Sir, but my grandpa has been deft for a long time, and his sight only barely capture some light”.

The man about to explode, perhaps he feels deceived by the librarian, that he comes for nothing, how can he gain or learn something from a deft and nearly blind old man?

But soon he ceased into stillness, seeing a kind smile of that small girl who again talks to him, “Please have a sit Sir, and have some tea, you must be tired from reaching this peak. After that, you may tell me what you are searching for, since I am familiar enough with this hill, perhaps I can give you a hand.”

After having some tea, they have a chat, and the topic become so broad. The man seems strangely savouring the conversation. He laugh loudly in some occasions, and seems so serious in other moments.

Then, the girl asks him, “Sir, what are you coming here for?”

He replies, “I am coming to learn, about how to invite kindness into myself, into my life.” He answered very short, perhaps, he didn’t wish the little girl understand about adult life problem.

“So, do you know kindness?” The little girl asked again.

The man laugh, “Ha ha…, of course, I mean…, everybody know kindness.” Well, he did learn about kindness in the library for months before. It just didn’t help him much.

“Then, why you seems to have a hard time to invite it, you know it, then all you need to do is asking it to come to your life, isn’t it?”

The man shocked hearing what that little girl said, well, he did know about kindness, but why he can just simply invite it into his life? Why he can’t find kindness in spite of knowing it well?

Then, did he really know what is kindness? He wonders if he is never know the real kindness at all but only what text explained and what people told about kindness. Yes, he know everything ‘about’ kindness, but not the kindness itself.

Then he speaks softly, “You are right, perhaps I never know kindness at all. It is not what the script told, or what people said.” A silence comes between them for a moment, “Well, I guess, I can not invite kindness into my life since I don’t know it, we can’t invite something that we don’t know, can we?”

The girl smiles, shakes her head, “No, but I don’t think you need invite anything, since you already kind enough, Sir.”

Kindness is not what book told you, or what people said to you. Kindness is your most genuine, innocent and honest feeling. It is not something you can find, nor gain, it is something that already there, you are.

It has a commentary by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. If one search for a short documentary about Buddha’s life, I think this video would helpful.

A comes again feeling, it started before the 10^th of this month. At first I was wondering whether it would real or not, but then after the 10^th, it became as clear as the beginning of dawn.

It just like a flower emerges from shallow water, try to reach out the very first sunshine. So clear, so certain, and so humble.

My hopes, my wishes, my feeling, my dreams twisting gently and dancing lovely on the meadow of beginning.

This heart trembled, and the words became speechless.

Just like those humble flowers, dear me, I ask no more.

This life is a bit strange, don’t you think so? Somehow, people afraid being with someone who they tough being too different from them self, but in other moment, they got bored with their own kinds.

Maybe deep inside our mind, we wish to take a control of how the colors of togetherness around us painted. Somehow, there were moments when we – perhaps – try to bound all people to understand and accept our ideal, while we were forget that no single color can truly makes this world wonderful, no single ideal can bring the essentially peaceful harmony into our life.

We are essentially colorful, like a group of butterflies (image originally from Bing)

If we are not about to accept the nature color of our togetherness, if we are about to deny the harmony of this world, perhaps we just incapable of being grateful for what we already have in our life.

As one of the most anticipated movie in this year, I think it should be amazing and memorable, since this is the last of eight Harry Potter’s movies according to its seven series novel by J.K Rowling.

I did have a plan to watch it since last week, but to think I would have it for free on 3D cinematography, I must be lucky. And indeed, I was very lucky to have a free dinner afterwards.

So let’s go to the movie review, or perhaps not, I am not a good reviewer or so. The opening start when the last movie left, it’s a natural, even then after a few scenes, I found that the scenes were different from its origin novel, but the main storyline wasn’t change at all, except the ending where Harry broke the Elder Wand into two pieces intentionally.

I do understand that the producing team should put a long storyline to only for a 130 minutes movie, it would be hard to keep up so the movie would cover the origin story.

But I think, this was one of the good series that have been made. Well, by considering, that there were one or a couple of movie that really disappointing. The rate is good, IMDb gives about 87 from 100 meta-scores, and I would agree for that rating.

The special effects are amazing in some scenes, but not all of them. I really love the scenes of Hogwarts last battle. But for the ending scenes, after 19 years later, it seems that Harry and his friends still look so young despite of the heavy adulthood makeups they put on.

But nevertheless, it a worth movie to watch. I wish the Blu-ray edition would come with extra editor’s cuts, then it will be fantastic.

But a home, well… it has a broader meaning. It is given to a specific place, whether it a house, a village, a land, a town, a country or even a planet – which there is abundant of possibility you bound to it by your feeling, not just only by law and order.

Brittany France (image source: Bing)

A home is where people able to sheltering their mind peacefully, where soul renders one own complexity into the most simple sonnet that bring about calm and harmony.

It a place everybody call home.

Human are definitely a strange creäture, sometimes when we wish to go East – we say West instead. We just – without any clear reason – avoid ourself be honest completely, be open perfectly. Even deep within we very do understand that nobody perfect, and somehow we – whether by realising it or not – are hiding the imperfect part, the cloistered part, and keep walking alone, showing only the good side upon this poor civilisation.

Walking alone - image courtesy by Bing

Yes, today most of us perhaps just some mere masked entities, without any urge feeling of being sincerely to ourself and the world we live on.

So why we walk alone on thus rush hours, and why we feel lonely within the crowded civilisation? Do you understand this feeling? If you can’t let yourself being open and understand this very feeling, perhaps you shall trapped within this strange world on loneliness forever after.

It was comes like a great hurricane, unexpectedly swept everything away, and only left nothingness.  And then, there was a strange stillness covered our space and time continuum. We couldn’t make a single move, a single word, if we push ourself to make some, a chaos paradox appeared out of nowhere.

But, this life has its own chapters for us where the future the two of us shall leave the past behind.

Both of us, have learned many things, yet gained nothing. Indeed, that very “nothing” perhaps is everything we need – more that what we used to believe.

If today I see my path that lays in front of me, I see no shadow of her shall be there – by my side. But that is obviously my path, and shall always be my path.

I may never understand why, but the very act to walk sincerely in this path is all the understanding which life has brought upon my days and nights. I have no regret, nor shall thou come to me.

But if you were about asking me, “what hast thou?” – indeed there is thing more precious beyond the understanding that never come to me, nor I shalt seeking for it. The thing that I refer as “greeting the life“, which perhaps shall never come, while we busy demanding ourself to understand the life we walk on.

” Storms make oaks take deeper root.” – George Herbert.

You only can live by living, sometimes you need seek no understanding for it, since it may come to you when the time is seeing the necessity of it. If you struggling too much in order to understand your life, it may end up as a never  arrive understanding.

The old Carl Fredricksen perhaps grew up in spirit of adventure when he was a little kid, just like many other ordinary kids above this Terra. Dreams of something that fascinates our wildest curiosity, is something that inevitably moves us forward with big smile in our heart. But somehow, there are a lot of circumstances those would shatter our will to reach our dreamland, age and perhaps losing our very reason definitely be some of them.

But even if there is seemed no other way you shall continue to walk to your dream, but maybe if you willingly open your heart and start again to walk – there will be a way, in the way which perhaps beyond your wildest imagination.

So will you just giving up, or …

Will you start to walk, and say, “… cross my heart” – to where your dream awaits you. Just like the old Fredricksen done.

Ups, almost forget, here is some picture I took this afternoon. Nothing special, just some regular shoots.

Nandi Temple - the one in front center of the entering

Some tourist within the Nandi Temple

A young girl takes a picture of Vishnu Temple using her cellphone

Perhaps you wish become a simple leave that falls upon a gentle stream, which would take you somewhere without much worry. Perhaps you dream being a light feather which blows softly by the wind, where can float high beyond the troublesome land.

But life, is just a life – the sun definitely strikes you hard without any hesitation when you try to challenge him. Life is so fragile that wouldn’t be a surprise the next thing after a step you took – is a death end, literally a death end.

And then, here I am, a common soul under the sun, who wish to stand above that brightest start from the Earth. Well, just let me correct it, perhaps I don’t wish for it, rather I have to.

Long before the first step taken,  the word of impossibility is certain loud and clear. But let me move forward, even if myself is asking about giving up, there would be nothing to lose, but a soul burned into celestials’ dust.

Don’t do what you want. Do what you don’t want. Do what you’re trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most. – Chuck Palahniuk.

You may already have everything, but you just can’t see it as a wholeness. A loving family, adorable friends, a good life, et cetera. At least this was shown at the last chapter of Shrek: Forever After. If you already watched this movie, then perhaps you understand what I mean.

In the previous chapter, we know, Shrek was a wild, a free ogre who has the obligation to none but his own self. Now his freedom being “stolen” by a family and his new life. Feeling depressed over his “far from perfect” new life, Shrek find that he can escaped to his old day just for a day by signing a magical contract, which in return he must give another single day.

In the first time he felt very happy for the contract works as how he really want, but in the end he realize that what not what he really wish for. He lost everything, his family, his friend and many more which he though before as none such important things.

He must dwell with everything he already made them wrong. So everything become in chaos.

Well, what I want to say is not about how you fight to fix you own mistake. If you made a mistake, that fixing them is a must, no more question. But before you decide to decide something for pleasure, I think it would be a great wise to decide it by weighing all the affected people in the future.

Since your decision is not only about you, like this whole life – is not only about you your own, but about everyone, about every living things on earth.

Sometimes our life is a one way contract, whenever we take a step, then it can not be undone anymore. As you can make a river flows back, your life would be the same. Wisdom is about a great capability of being joyful for the flow of our life, no matter where it takes us – together with everything we know.

I don’t think it would be wise, if our mere self-centred decision would bring about sorrow to others, moreover to they who love us sincerely. Then that decision would definitely be a contract you shouldn’t sign at all.

Since it was built around 11th century by the initiative of Master Kuturan. The temple now become the place of praying to the God as ruler of all oceans – The Vishnu of Trimurti, or local people called it as “Bhatara Tengahing Segara” – The Lord of Sea Centre.

Goa Lawah Temple symbolizes the head of Great Serpent Basuki (Lord Vishnu as the protector of life and wisdom), while the tail of great serpent lies at Goa Raja (the king cave) somewhere in Besakih Temple (the largest Hindu Temple in Bali). The head symbolizes the sea, and the tail symbolizes the mountain. The traditional procession which includes spiritual guidance along the life spirits from the sea to the mountain is called “nyagara-gunung” by the Balinese, which means “to the sea and mountain”.

It believed that Goa Lawah at Klungkung connected to Goa Raja at Besakih Temple, but an earth quake at 1917 make the cave collapsed and closed permanently according to old people tales.

Goa Lawah Temple together with Besakih Temple form a great nature Lingga Yoni – a symbol of life creation, the fusion of spirit and material which bring about every living form in this universe.

As one of Sad Kahyangan (Six Heavens) in Bali, Goa Lawah always becomes a popular temple among locals and tourists.  You can visit Goa Lawah Temple if you come to Bali, just check it on FourSquare to see the exact location.

Okay, back to the movie. The story is about Hiccup, a young viking boy – son of Viking chief, who lives in Berk – a Viking village along with other villagers. It just a normal village, except for the pest, it has dragons, which is the reason every building are new instead of 300 years history of the village itself.

Hiccup were obsess being - what he imagined as – a true Viking, fighting and killing dragons. But nevertheless his spirit and effort, in the end his action only leads more troubles for the village. So, it was common acknowledge among the villagers that  Hiccup were only trouble maker and won’t able to raise a weapon to fight even  a single dragon.

Until one night when dragons raid Berk, Hiccup shot down a dragon which latter he know that is the Night Fury, the most mysterious and dangerous unknown type of dragon. Instead of killing Night Fury, Hiccup find himself unable to kill a dragon and then they both develop interest each others, which leading to their friendship and adventure.

I must say the animation on high-definition movie was amazing, the detail and the graphic were charmingly took me the world of fantasy and adventure.

But the point of interest is the story line. I mean, if you were a Hiccup-like person, you wish become something like others around you, so can make a proud of yourself. But then, you find something that you are – juts – not mean to be like what you wish all this time. Instead of becoming you were wish for, you then to the path that completely – I may say – the opposite of everything you ever imagine before.

You may find troubles with yourself, with your community and everything which perhaps close and dear to you. This movie show you, how is being something like that. It is a nice movie.

Well, we have the same agenda, which are…

• Give a human face to environmental issue.
• Empower people to become active agents of sustainable and fair development.
• Promote an understanding that communities are pivotal to change attitudes towards environmental issues.
• Advocate partnership, which will make sure all nations and people enjoy a safer and more prosperous future.

And this year, we support the International Year of Forest, yes, we need together to act now, to save our forest from ourself!

Visit the WED by clicking the banner above or visit http://www.unep.org/wed . And see how you can take part on raising global awareness about our beloved environment.

But somehow, not everybody would gladly accept this differentiation. Even just by a slight of opinion. Then perhaps, as a living society, we – humans, are the greatest contributors of world chaos.

If we simply can understand that we are just the little big fellows above this Earth, then nothing we can do but live within this chaotic era that we made for ourself, and for our future generations. Because, we already – then – deny the very nature of this world.

But the happy time wasn’t there forever, suddenly the situation becomes chaotic, the little blue bird felt of from his nest and caught by the smuggler.

The set then moves to Minnesota, a cold and snowy land, very unlikely similar with the rainforest where the little blue bird used to live. By a transportation accident, his smuggled box falls over from the truck and then found by a little girl with red hair and round glasses named Linda. In a fast forward story, the bird then named Blu and becomes a domesticated macaw, with his “self-declarator companion” Linda, they run a book store together in Minnesota.

Then they live happily ever after, ups, wait, of course this is not the end of the story. Yes, they life happily until an ornithologist named Túlio Monterio comes to their book shop and tells a shocking news or rather an invitation. Túlio said that Blu maybe the last male of his kind, his species. And they were asked to visit Rio to give Blu a chance meeting a female of his kind.

Then the Blu’s adventure start here. Blu arrives at Rio and find a whole new world for the first time in reality, well, he has watching the Animal Planet or other stuffs, but never experience it by his self.

He first meet the duo Pedro (red-crested cardinal) and Nico (yellow canary), which in later scenes, become his adventures pals. Well, I can say they have a different taste in music, but still they are a good samba team.

Blu then did meet his angle – Jewel, which is trying to escape from the aviary while Blu insist to stay inside like all the domesticated bird should do. But, they were soon, captured by the smuggler. The adventures start here, where Blu and Jewel try to escape from the smugglers.

They met friends along the ways, and the enemies as well. The comedy touch would surely makes you laugh freely, and the musical effect is so nice, you can dance unintentionally while watching the movie.

I do (love the Carnaval festival), but I love my family even more, and that is the decision I made by this (heart) not by this (mind).

That are the words of Rafael for Blu when he has a fighting with Jewel. I think it’s a wonderful line, that easy to say, but most of us are easy to forget or neglect it, and having hard time to realise it back before it became too late.

I have no answer, only more question and more complexity while inquiring deep into this colourful world. While I tried become the centre of everything, I lost in this strange colourless mist of questions and complexity. The reason could be as simple as my unworthy effort to understand a limitless love expressions with my sallow egoistic self centre.

I love the colour of dawn, which bring so much joy to start everything fully. I love the colour of the sky, it’s simply connecting our hearts through the most mysterious way. I love the colour of the winds, they restlessly trying to capture our most honest existence on this world.

We shall only see the world so colourful, if we willingly accept the different as a part of nature, of harmony, of this world. Let our heart opens, let our soul fragile, so understand the very humanity itself are so colourful.

And, I love the colour of our hearts, even they are separated, even they are percept different, it always there to support each others with tremendous quality of unconditional understanding. Then perhaps, I am already in love, with the colour of love itself.

I have no story, I have no sonnet, and I have no poetry. This path is just a simple void between my days and nights, between my awareness and my ignorance. And by its’ nature, it has become a quiet path.

Yes, this old-time has giving me the white lines everywhere around my mind, so I can look only the past that has left. This is my evening, within the corridor of the quiet path. And still I am asking myself, how long I have stood here. What an unmoved soul I am.

Ah yes, they just like the drops of melodies and memories those bring so many things, fill my heart gently but surely. From time to time, I wonder why, nature always has such a marvelous way to charm people’s hearts.

Until a familiar sight, did catch my attention. An middle old man was riding his motorbike gentle along the small path within the paddy fields.

Ah…, I think it was very nostalgic, just like back there at my old village. I myself often took a ride over land path within the paddy fields, it is fun and somehow relaxing your body and mind.

Seeing this, just like inviting the past, calmly entering our precious moment of happiness.

I thinks it was something wonderful, if only words those scattered all over the Gaia is blessing with natural sincerity within.

For some people, perhaps words are just mere tool to help them build the world around them, to achieve prestige and so on. I would not offense such a thing, since it almost happens everyday around us. Maybe, on some short of understanding, words are just a tool in the end.

But even words then becomes a conveyer of one’s most precious feeling, even without realising it. Say…, a simple sentence like “I love you”, would be words beyond any human understanding can stand on, or any mere tool can achieve.

Then, there are words without any voices, words which are as equal as a very deep stillness. Those words emerged from the complete understanding of life and everything around them, words than can feel by anything which has the equal capability to understanding everything in wholeness, not just only as life frictions.

Those words shall not be found anywhere above this Earth, but you might meet them someday, when you are ready. The blanks words of life, where you can put your most honest feeling within the gracious space.

They said, great composer didn’t build the melody, but they found it and pour it sincerely into the musics. Even I remember clearly the last sentences from “August Rush“, that “musics are everywhere around!“.

I may not know anything about composing a music, nor having any skill with music instrumental. But do have myself enjoying the joy of melodies to the fully, sometime humming any melodies that passing my mind freely. Or closing my eyes softly within the dark night while listening any slow and charmingly serenade.

Then I found, knowledge is not something essential to enjoy something sincerely. I have no knowledge about music, and yet I can put myself lightly within the joy of melodies. Perhaps, it is really a mystery, or rather an amazing miracle.

Well, it does not matter, does it? The past that moves away, and the present that moves on, I think it is only the natural things to happen. Even if the future holds any storm as a welcome gift, there is nothing much I can do about it – let me welcome the life, as how it has welcomed me with warm and compassion.

I may not see everything – yet – clearly. My judgment still cloudy, my senses aren’t that sharp yet, and I don’t think I’ve manage to accumulate enough luck for this daily journey. And there are still clouds before the eyes.

When your point of view became cloudy, it just like a walk inside some sparkling mist, you can saw it – yet not all of it, and somehow got a bias reflection out of the sparks.

Then, when everything get into my head, well, surely they would give me a headache. But, when you put any unnecessary wariness aside, the invisible feathers shall make you feel a lot lighter.

Well, perhaps, it only happens, when someone falls in love with this very life, that he never hate it, even it has those strange gifts for him.

It was rather a amazingly quite morning, well…, by imagining the crazy cold windows rattling winds from last night, I think a shy morning mist has its own charm, don’t you think so?

I took a single step forward, carefully – and slowly. There was only a narrow path that didn’t have any grasses grow on it, I didn’t want to put a step on them, well, the dew a little bit cold of course. And then took a deep breath, wow…! It was amazing!

The grasses bend low, so they can hide the morning winds so the air and the sky would stay still. I though intently wish to surprise the sun when the very first morning ray touch the thin grasses all over the land, they shall release the bend of morning winds up to the sky, breach through the thick mist and unleash the magical air spell that the world known as freshness.

It is always be the dance of the bend of morning winds.

Just For Today - I'll Be With You

I write while remembering this unchained bond between us. I know you no longer here, but I think I do understand this feeling, the feeling that we share together in the long past. Then, I shall let myself – just for today – I’ll be with you.

There was no peculiar moment, nor any strange aura or unbelievable fate either. There was only you and me.

I would like to say it as the most simple moment in my life, that scrambling my heart gently.

Sometimes in the morning – just like this morning – I would enjoy having a couple cookies with a glass of fresh apple juice.

Well, honestly, I love sweet things since kid. But today, avoiding unnecessary high calorie intake would implies avoiding sweet things, therefor I can’t eat cookies, pastries, biscuits, candies anytime I like. Otherwise, it would be bad for my health.

I love cookies, but I am aware I can let myself eats them too many at once. Except for some traditionally made vegetable based cookies, they give so much fibres for my digestive tract.

Today I’ve a lunch at “Warung Vegetarian Soma Yoga”, yes since its specialized in vegetarian menu, which I love them so much. We have many traditional menus which turn into vegetables based food.

There are not much a vegetarian food corners in Yogyakarta, and I think Soma Yoga would be a good choice for them who are vegans. And don’t worry, the prices are still reasonable, it isn’t a high class menu at all, but it is tasted best with so many ingredients , flavoured with so much traditional spices. And don’t forget about a special menu that different in each day.

Simply designed in traditional touch of Javanese food house, you can eat while breathing a fresh air of paddy’s field around the café. You may find it is a good place for killing an afternoon while writing something on your notebook, but there is no hotspot access yet, so bring your own mobile broadband access.

I had a nice afternoon break today at Soma Yoga, maybe I will give a visit next week.

For they who love traditional atmosphere while having a break or just having a cup of coffee, I think Soma Yoga is a good option to visit. Need more information about this vegetarian corner? Just give the management a call at +622747-110-221 or send a mail.

Well, if I say I need for help, maybe since I can’t not handle the problem myself. Or, I – perhaps – able to handle the problem myself, but I just can’t see the way to make it done nicely. In another words, my mind are cloudy, my judge on the matter would be wavering.

Just like a cloudy sky, we cannot see the blue sky clearly as a wholeness. Maybe then we need to wait until the cloud disappear, which may take forever, or we may ask someone who stands under the clear sky with clear view, so he can tell us how does the sky look like actually.

But when we ask for another help to find how does the sky look like, we shall only know lines of story, we shall never know the sky as how it is actually.

As exactly as we never understand our problems as actual fact when we listening it from others, even we – probably – understand it as a logical conception. So, do you think it is important for us to see our problems for our self and understand it fully in wholeness, and not just as a story or logical conception?

Then perhaps you would like take some advice from one of my favourite animation movie, “Lion King: Hakuna Matata”, it said, “Look beyond what you see.” It is a simple phrases with lot of deep meaning.

We see our problems through many prejudices, worries, fears, knowledges, experiences, deductions, advices, calculations, and more. Then the more we add it, the more the cloud were hanging nicely in our sunny sky. The problem is there, the fact is there, the reality is there, it is simply there! But we took our time to see it through many many things, and then we came to realize, that we already lost it in sight.

That’s why the old monkey said, look beyond what you see, so in the end you would see through nothing, the only one in your sight is the absolute fact, the real problems, so then you can act naturally as you find the actual life.

Those things are the things we shared together. The air, water and land, whether they were clean & refreshing or in other hand, were polluted & dirty.

We share them not just among human, but as equal as so many living things around our living place. So share them wisely, share them so we can continue sharing them for the next generations. It is our chain of natural harmony, and we – humans – are part of it.

If the chain were about to or already broke, we need to fix it – together, there is no single living thing capable or creating harmony.

If we willingly put our heart into this wisdom, I think we shall have a beautiful harmony around us, the beauty that unreachable if we forget that everything is the things that we shared together.

Some road are worthy to be avoided, especially when they prone to put us into any danger, just like land slide on the mountain road at rainy season as an example. Then life are not so different, don’t you think so?

Life has multiple path, multiple probability, so much choice yet less of us aware of it. Consciously or unconsciously, we likely avoid the path that lead to malice situation. You shall not jump into a fire, or challenging a bear into a fight by logic or by instinct, it is a normal path of life that we chose.

We learn, and then we become wise to take our path into righteousness. But sometime we are not that wise. Like, even we know smoking is bad for our health as so for people around us, some of us still find pleasure and joy on smoking.

Or, even we know it is the right path, we still avoid it. For those whose heart tainted by darkness, thou shall avoid the light even they already miss it so much. 

I don’t really know what was they seen in me back in the past. Or they just simply say some changed or unchanged things just as a spontaneous respond.

There are maybe something changes in me, well, since I am aged from moment to moment obviously. Getting old, with grey hairs start colouring my head. Time sure changes much things.

But there are things that remain unchanged, my childish behaviour, my hobby reading manga, or playing first person shooter game on computer. I love writing, and still love reading encyclopaedia of the world. My character doesn’t change so much.

I think if people said that I was changed, maybe because of outer appearances, but when they said nothing changed – maybe since they saw my inner characters.

We human, are changed yet unchanged in the same time. I think its a natural way of our living. Something change for the better cause, some other remain as they keep the harmony in balance.

We have hardly believe or simple put it in our faith, if humanity can bring together into a mutual understanding, there will be peace upon this world. But, our world already in state of chaos, as how we see it in our daily life, on the news, on the conflicts those occur everyday.

While we oppose others, we shall never truly understand them fully. When we struggle to bring the understanding and awareness of peaceful time to others, we our self already bring about violent deep within our soul.

I said, let it goes, those hopes and wishes already are art of the past, we should not cling on it any longer. The peace is here and now, if we can see it clearly within our self.

But can you see it? See it as the actual peace, not just an imaginary hopes of peace?

They do not lament over the past,they yearn not for what is to come,they maintain themselves in the present,thus their complexion is serene.

Those words are Samyutta Nikaya. There would be no peace if you yourself were separated away from the peace itself. There is no peace in hatred, in anger, in struggle, even those were mean to achieve peace itself.

By letting go those which are not peace, you may find peace on the last piece, it is the peace within.

I know my stomach empty since this morning, cause I eat nothing but just plain water entering my body this whole day. Accidentally perhaps, but I find it without a meaning, a half day fasting.

Fasting help someone like me to clear my body and still my mind, help me aware of surrounding world. It just like drops of rain which hit the ground without hesitation, only purity of act without motives.

My prayer my beloved, hear me my universe…

Thou shall grand love for them who love without hesitation

Thou shall grand freedom for them who accept a life without it in purity

Let my heart guide me, let my consciousness lays the path of rightfulness in front of me, let my prayer my beloved be the light within this darkness time.

Sai Matha Pitha Deena Bhandu Sakha
Therey Charaname Sai Mera Koti Pranaam
Mujhe Shakthi Do Hey Sai Shiva
Mujhe Mukthi Do Hey Sai Shiva
Mujhe Bhakthi Do Hey Sai Shiva

O Lord – Who is the mother, father and friend of all. I bow a thousand times at your feet. Give me strength, liberation and devotion, my Sai Shiva.

That is maybe would call a reason why one needs to master one’s own path. And I think by mastering it doesn’t implies that one must be the best of the best, nor trying to reach that ultimate seat.

When you were trying to conquer your path, you are far from a par with the path. Mastering your path means that you are the very path itself. In simple words, its when you are no longer the disciple of your path, and there is no master anymore.

In the nature, its only you and the path are inseparable. That is all!

If there is still a distance between you and your path, then you are not yet what we call as mastering your path.

People has an amazing mind function to make a kind of judgment that something is certain, I mean to make it certainty right or the opposite – certainty wrong! But sometimes the base of the judgment comes out of clarity of one own mind itself.

To judge means that you must have enough knowledge that can make a distinctive point between each other sides. But if we see throughout our very mind itself, the knowledge seems as something that always limited – and therefor it can not guarantee that the distinctive point is correctly made.

Lets say, “I know this is right!” – but how can I be so sure if that things is right? Than I would like to say, “by this knowledge…, by this guide, by this path that enlighten me.”

It is easy to speak, to declare what we know or what we believe to be right according our path.

But beware! That is the risk – or I would prefer to say “the nature” of path that full of light, that our light might be showing a different point of righteousness than the other lights. If you give your faith in it, there is possibly conflict emerge in your life, in your relationship with others.

Well, I am living within the darkness, I have no joy which come about the path light. I have no such clarity. So I wouldn’t say that I was right all this time.

Otherwise, the deliberation would make me feel like Vincent Law on the “Ergo Proxy”. Well, dealing with the unknown was never easy, wasn’t it?

I think its about…, life fully.

Everything were cloudy, I seek an opened door but I believe I found none. The sky has no light for its existence.

For last a couple weeks, I manage to somehow change my diet. About ten days only getting twice meals a day, and the next days only once per day. Until, yesterday I can only hold fasting for only 36 hours.

Fortunately, I don’t restrict my diet for waters, I need plenty of water intake daily. Especially in morning, I need to drink a lot of water every morning.

It was a hard diet weeks, and it was a crazy 36 fasting hours. Glad I made it safely.

Now, let open the window, maybe the sky would become clear today. So do I wish for my mind.

I love when Horace Mann quoted,

Do not think of knocking out another person’s brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago.

Difference only exist within our mind, our conceptual intellect which is so purely limited.

Are you believe that being different must always come to end with violent resolution?

When you love, they will stay in your heart forever.

It sounds obvious, doesn’t it?

The only think that can make everything vaporizing from within our soul is what human call as hatred. Well, if you have love everywhere, then we just may get confuse where would be a place to put a hatred there.

I think old people really get the point here. Some how, yes…, maybe love is truly a miracle. I mean, lets we count how many thing we know that can give power of eternity, art beyond mortal life…

When we said, “love in your heart forever”, it is the magic of life, to put something beyond our momentary memory. Yes, it is in your heart forever.

I think I am already leaving this world to long, a little bit hard to take a simple breath now on. A squeal of freedom trapped with chaotic twisted analogy within its creator, and it makes me believe there is nothing need to be foretold anymore.

I don’t know how to face you even when we are so close, or even on the most casual occasion. I don’t know how to express what I feel, since I don’t really know what I feel.

I am sorry if I can’t bring any warm feeling that you might wish for.

This is the way of my feeling.

Hmm…, jumping directly to the bed, and covering yourself with a warm blanket – sounded like a good idea. Then the mood slowly but certainty going down and down. Ups…, there is still something to be done, and yet you may find yourself postpone it again this evening.

Ah yes, I used to be like that when evening goes down within the rain, even after the rain. Ah, just simply take a deep breath, then write something, and viola! the mood is returning.

I think the important key then – is find something that you would be love to do and do it without hesitation. With abundant of love inside your very act, the mood surely would come and come without hesitation too. Even after the rainy evening.

Then way we feel uncertain? The very simple way to put this up, is because simply don’t know – like I said – don’t know what to do. We don’t know, and we become uncertain, and since we uncertain we become more-more feel like we don’t know, don’t know what is the right action, don’t know how to put a matter in right way – then we are considering to much until we spend an abundant amount of energy.

Yes, human can feel tired of uncertainty and the condition were we don’t know the thing that we insist our self: we have the right to know it!

Maybe because of that uncertainty, we can feel that we’ve already wasted so much time, we can feel a strange tiredness, and to some point, a desperation that unexplainable, because the idea of “I don’t know” already sticking inside our head – and made us unable to find any resolution.

But maybe because of uncertainty, people may become wiser. All that we need is a honest attitude towards our self – that we really don’t know, or we simply don’t know. Then after a honest attitude, we perhaps can have a sight from a whole different world of perception.

Well, I used to life in the middle of rice fields, rain often chough me when I far from home – no building, no tree, no shelters, it just rice fields everywhere. So, I just let myself enjoyed walking home under the rain.

And somehow I remember how I found those sparkling rain within your eyes. It was rainy and yet we trapped out of nowhere. You watched them with deep attention, like there’s no space between both of you. And I can see those rain sparkling beautifully within those charming eyes.

Yet I don’t really know how we can be so close with nature. Our feelings swept, blew, and flew away with the move and gesture of the nature, leaving behind a craft of happiness and joy.

I don’t know if this was a merely a moment of feel that certainly would disappear when the twilight starts to dim and dimmer. When the rain finally stops and leave us behind with empty space between you and me. Then I can see it clearly, the sparkling rain within your eyes, isn’t the rain that connect us with their shivering winds, it is the question without an answer.

Even I would like to say, I love you, but the words then became meaningless, didn’t they? The words are forbidden spells that must be not enchanted, are they? And I didn’t spoke the words anymore.

Well, the rain already stopped, I should close this window of memory – here.

Last night, I got dinner for about $ 2 which offering me a very spicy menu. My idea that moment was to get some greens vegetable, since it is hard to find any when the night fall in Yogyakarta.

Between fortunate & unfortunate moments, there was a lot of garlics and onions, with much more chillies. The taste was fantastic, if your tongue already spice resistant, than you won’t have any issue when tasting the secret ingredient. There was a lot of natural vitamin E, which means a lot of antioxidants, but a lot of acid too. You got the benefit, yet in the same time, you would give your bowel more irritant than usual.

Well, I won’t be surprised that this morning I am already got to rest room twice in an hour. Yeah…, its the laxative effect of last night meal, what a twisting morning. And its already enough to make me lost a lot of energy when I should be refreshed after a good night sleep. I just don’t hope this would turn out into diarrhoea, or it would be serious problem.

Yesterday, I came to Empire XXI and watched two movies in a raw. First, “Tourist” with Johnny Deep and Angelina Jolie as the stars, took a set in Paris & Venice, I think this is a romance movie with some classical storyline about thief, secret agent, mafia et cetera.

Since the storyline can be easily guess, the only think I love is the scenery within the movie. Wow…, Venice sure looked fantastic, an old above the water city, with classical architectures, I could feel having a new year there too. Or should I prefer to feel like being in Paris instead?

The next movie is “Tron: Legacy” by Joseph Kosinski and Disney. A futuristic and science-fiction about a digital world that build based on a classic game. The special effect is nice, but storyline so so…, I think some people would love this movie.

Then after that, I ride my bike around the city, saw people enjoyed their new year eve. Having dinner while seeing some fire works in the night sky – luckily it was a clean night sky, then went home and … wow, there a lot of nice movies in the television. I’m not a movie freak I guess, but the movies surely interesting.

Oh yes, I just forgot that on the afternoon, I send some laundry things – including my carpets, should be pick tomorrow morning. Ah, busy day when it come to holiday.

Online diary is something that I think I could access it from anywhere around the globe without being worry, I would lost it on any trip I’ll have in future. So it must accessible.

I don’t know, but I guess I should start to write something. Idea and story would fly away if you don’t hurry catch them into a draft of memory.

He he…, its a term I pick from a nice movie years ago. I think this last day in Yogyakarta seems nothing much to do. There is nothing special I think for new year celebration. But why not, maybe something interesting is out there awaiting us to find it.

Well, wish this last day, there would be something meaningful.

When all dreams shattered in instant, you will have nothing left behind but a simple fact that … you have to walk just by yourself. I know, she wouldn’t be here again even when I need her most. I know how she loves Christmas so much, she used to has a beautiful smile when talking and listening songs about Christmas, and I don’t know how those smiles uniquely encouraged me in many untellable ways, letting go my loneliness and let a warm togetherness enters my heart.

Since she’s no longer in the world where I still stand & breath freely, I don’t know whether she would smile or not in this Christmas. But – yes I know – she would smile like she used to be, bring warm and happiness to every soul who see it. And it would bring peace upon me.

Well, its Christmas now. Miracles and peace should be all around. Don’t worry there is no way you can’t get any, just open your heart – it should be there, right in front of your heart’s door. What would do in Christmas? For me, maybe I would like to listen one of my Christmas favourite song, you might already now this song…

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I won’t even wish for snow
And I, I just wanna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

I won’t make a list and send it
To the North Pole for St. Nick
I won’t even stay awake
To hear those magic reindeer click

Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding onto me so tight
What more can I do
Oh baby, all I want for Christmas is you

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of childrens’
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won’t you bring me
The one I really need

Won’t you please bring my baby to me, quickly
I don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
I just wanna see my baby

Standing right outside my door
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true

Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
All I want for Christmas is you, baby

Yes, it is “All I want for Christmas is You” a song by Mariah Carey – a singer and songwriter. I love listening this song when Christmas comes. Hope you like it too.

And here is my Christmas’ card that I’ve made it special for all my friends (including my family in Moonlight Mansion) who is celebrating Christmas – wherever you are right now. Merry Christmas to all of you, may be peace upon all of us.

A soft voice, a bit husky, speak to me – a women voices…

“Sorry, I am not late, am I not?” – meanwhile, I still can sure whose voice was that, “Happy birthday – Cahya” – the voice speaks low with a comforting tune and soft rhythm.

I knew it! – in spontaneously I replied, “Where are you now? Are you sick?” My feeling mixed. She replied with word I couldn’t catch, but somehow I do understand that she wasn’t okay at all – maybe since we are not so different.

She just came from her office this late night, I know she always busy, I never mind she forgot about something so unimportant such as this birthday. But I do mind if get herself in trouble by trying contacting me with that condition.

“Have you got your dinner and bath?” I asked.

“Yes, I have” – a silent cut our dimension for a moment – “I wish I could give you something, but…”

“Then you should get some rest, don’t worry about that. Just take care Corgy over there – I would be fine here.”

She then whispered a pray for me, my tears flew down – and I don’t know why.

I am really sorry – something within me were protesting. I should never have that wish from the start. A night before, I blew my birthday’s candles with a wish. I don’t know why – I never thinking of it, the wish just came like that…

O Lord – send me your angel.

I should know – there were none of my prayer unfulfilled. With that very reason, I have already stop praying for all this years but the night before.

I know, you were used to be my angel, years ago, the one who was guarding my heart. But I am really sorry, I’ve let someone took my heart from me, and its already lost in the maze of time. Yet, I’ve no regret of it – since it made me understand, what love is within its form and formless feel, even it cost me to be an empty puppet without a heart.

There nothing left in me to be so called worthy for you. You are an angle, and I am just a heartless puppet. I never think if that pray would summon you – despicable me!

I should stop praying, I should stop making a wish, since it always get fulfilled. Its too dangerous. I could hurt someone unintentionally.

But I don’t know, since even my mind never know what is the true wish lay deep within me, it never known until time reveals it naturally.

Then Mbak Titik and Prima came not long after that (after they said lost in Pogung Lor for hours – really I can’t hold my self to not to laugh). And what made me speechless (from within, but still can’t stop laughing in the outside), was after couples chit-chat, they surprised me with a birthday cake – a tart.

I don’t know how they got my birthday date, and even has a time to preparing a birthday cake to surprise me.I don’t know what to say, I am no good at social manners, even never better on expressing my emotions. But deep within me, I am happy without a word good enough to express it.

Thank you for this night – it was a really nice surprise.

Oh, by the way, when was my birthday once again? Ha ha…. December surely full of surprises.

I think a year ago was a hard time, a very hard one indeed. Well, thinking of it. I guess, I am already reaching my dawn.

A lost puppy in the early morning, tired and alone. I know that he already lost in our neighbourhood since last night – not so long from the elder of our village. Then I remembered with Tobby when first time he was found, then I remember that Tobby will no longer stayed at Twilight Moon Mansion – since he will be taken by his new owner before new year I think.

Well, he used to play in my room when he was a little puppy, yet he still a little puppy. Well, if there is a time where we met, there will be a moment where we have to say good bye.

I do have secrets, not only a secret – I think I did answer the question like that.

Even I spoke like that, actually, even me myself doesn’t really know what was my secrets, maybe it truly hidden deep inside, even the owner can’t peek it freely.

I can never judge, whether having a secret is something good and bad. Its beyond the white and black sides. The heart’s content is something that we should call as privacy – the space even God only can enter with permission of the owner.

And we push other to agree “there is must be no secret between us” – I think we already killed to capability of respecting someone’s right of privacy, it killed the very love its self.

Love means the root of universal understanding, when one doesn’t feel to keep any secret, one wouldn’t – so why bothering it. Don’t hurt someone to tell something that hurt one’s heart, do not push your believe to other, it may not fix well.

Life has many form of uncertainty, even the subtle one. This feeling is like a sticky dreams, in one side you wish it to be fulfilled, another one told that it was hopeless. One’s soul no longer stand on a solid ground of confident. It is wavering as the words and wishes never met each others.

Its maybe already the part of my character, when this kind of feeling streak, there will be unexplained floating tears, sometimes become unstoppable.

But there will be moment after that, when bright sunshine, trespassing my roof again, so there will be a warm chamber within me, as how it used to be.

I know then, when I opened this very eyes, I am already heartless. I know the sense of love, but I no longer can feel it. I know the sense of pain and the fear of nightmare, but merely can’t touch it. I lost the me who were able to fall in love, who were able to touch the pain of being hurt, who were able to grasp the beauty of morning breeze.

When I got a colourless nightmare, I know I lost the capability of being human completely, just when I became heartlessly.

If people can not see the bright of the sunlight, we call them blinds, but when the me now even can not feel the very sense itself, I think I do understand the feeling of leaving the light of life, walk inside the dark maze.

But I can find no regret, I have give my heart to her completely, it wasn’t a choice, but a freedom completely to love fully. I did and only has one heart, and I did already give it completely to someone I dear most, even she then stabbed it in front of my eyes – I think I am glad, at least I see the truth in the last, that her love never exist at all.

Now I am a heartless being, with only a deep wound within.  And, colourless nightmare would be the only colour of the night. Or someday maybe, there would be colourless tears.

I don’t think so, even ocean & sky has their borders, we just can’t see it, neither imagine it by this naked eye. When a human still has a heart, it still has its limitation. Push it, it would broke for sure.

But there is moment, when I see clearly to a heart, it is like a savannah – very calm and warm. Well, then I know a heart doesn’t need to be borderless, do not need to put a border either, just need to be as how it used to be – like a vast calm and warm land.

A heart has its limitation, yet its borderless somehow. Since a border of heart is defined by how you pour your soul completely on its formless sincere.

I’ve walk the path of darkness, and pursuing happiness neither in any part of it. I do not feel that this life must be conditions by the act – the path – of pursuing something that might crashed and blinded in its’ path.

When you feel unhappy, when you feel sorrow is unavoidable, you might just run away to thou who give you a feel of security & comfort. Or you may stand and challenge the life face by face. But its never fill the gaps between you and the unhappiness, except a thin film of security, happiness or the proud of being able to conquer this life.

Life is me, the unhappiness is me, the happiness is me – they are merely the other expressions of me. Running from myself won’t make me go any further, fighting myself won’t let me solve the matter. But I know, accepting myself would be a chance to understand myself fully.

Which implies, understanding the happiness & unhappiness. Pursuing happiness only makes me end by separating it – by separating myself. How could I am separating myself? Or could you?

To life fully, understanding is the beginning of everything. And within it, I’ve exclude the idea of being happy. When happiness comes, let it enter my deepest chamber of gratitude, when sadness returns, welcome it by warm and gentle smile.

We might be never can do something with space and time continuum, as how law of physic do its duty on this material world. But, the question then – can we, obviously, do anything about this feeling of separation?

If we let this feeling of separation exist, than we might only create the opposite of our heart content. We – then – become a separatist. Well, its connotation bad enough to be heard. But we do not really need bring about this separatism in our life.

Separatism only creates conflict, then conflict becomes hatred, as we already now hatred only presents sorrow and pain for humanity. Because of our longing to the closest rainbow at the farthest sky, we has bring about abundant of misfortune to our life, and others’ life, to the world.

Yes my friend, there is nothing wrong with longing of something. It is the part of our heart’s nature to attract of something. But if the closest rainbow were far enough, that doesn’t mean if we can create a rainbow right here right now, which would fulfilling the world of humanity with pure happiness and kindness.

I think the source of my problems is something that is called insomnia, well its common for the people within the disaster area. Even you speak to yourself do not worry about a think, but I think its a deep psychological of our minds, that unconsciousness alertness has brought trouble to keep itself from deteriorating.

Even I know where is the problems, it still hard to make any resolve without full of awareness that the problems still exist deep within myself. Well, I don’t know what to do, or at least I don’t want to pretend like I know that something can be done.

Accepting the situation right before its deteriorated circumstance makes more issue, is the right act to alert this mind that there is a more critical issue than a mere wariness. From that point, I start to see everything clearer than before.

So, I decided to get some haircut, since mine got messy recently. Fortunately, he wasn’t so busy in the morning, but what he would do after that, why he just wasn’t so busy in the morning?

Well, he said that yesterday he passed a primary school which already transformed into shelter for Merapi’s refuges, he would like to give a hand, but doesn’t find anything suitable – only then he thought that he can help with his skill.

So he decided to help the refuges by donating a haircut. I thought it creative, very creative indeed. And such a genuine creativity only born from the urge of pure humanity.

Mr. Bergen’s barber shop is the only one – my favourite place to get a haircut.

Well, I don’t want to considering today as a over sacred day. But I don’t think I can get my otonan in easy way. The volcano still active and people still evacuated to safer places around the Southern Yogyakarta.  I think even I get to the temple, nothing much would change over there – well – here & there would be the same place for the almighty.

I remembered that Stella Terrill Mann ever said, “Whatever God’s dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.” I don’t believe if God really exist, the God prefer us to be in deep trouble. But that doesn’t me that we – human – can do whatever as we please. Lets try to overcome this disaster together.

And I think that what would be the best for my otonan today. Just giving all I can under the romantic volcanic ashes, flew within my life & dreams.

My phone always ringing every day, even I got text message about double than usual. Simply I said, “Please do not worry.” I won’t say everything just fine right now, since we have red alert here, but at least do not add more worry in it.

I won’t say there is no lethal threats, we have hundreds dead bodies, and even hundreds thousand refuges right now. We have lahar and lava, but what can I say, we are facing a wrath of the most active volcano.

Just I want to say, this is not the first time I am facing near death situation. I think that we – the people – much hold hands together, help each others. Since we are human at all – there is no much reason for it.

This is a natural disaster, the catastrophic one, if the time would show us there is no way out, then let it be. But for now, this is what we can do here. And please do not worry.

Suddenly those phrases run away wild inside my mind. I think people should get warmth and comfort when they were in trouble & reaching their closest one for shelter. But sometimes, even your heart reaches the one you looking for, the issue may not just vanish away.

We may find something as the opposite as what we start to hope on the moment before. Life is full of surprise, that we won’t able to know exactly how to future would take a form.

I would let it goes, even the rain under your umbrella, but my heart would stay just like this, warm as always just by stand by you.

Somehow I must extra budget for mask and protective google when go to the field.

Well, I think I should rest more, but there is just a lot of work that must be done right away. Ha ha…, I think I just can help myself right now. Since my little town entering its rainy season in the end of year, I should take more precaution because my health is still battling this cold.

Every even on this life, no matter how catastrophic are they, the next should be a new line of life. We just need not to give up on life, since it never gave up on us.

The first student said, “Oh we just terminated them all, as how the standard procedure used to be”.

“What?, you are so unmerciful, don’t you feel any sorry for them.” The second student seemed in shock.

“We don’t have any other choice, do we?” The first student defended his act, “So what about you? What you done with them?”

“I give them to veterinary guys.”

“Are you sure? Were they have any kind experimental animal reservation department? I never heard any.”

“I don’t think so, they said they shall fed them for the experimental snakes.” Said the second student.

“Ah…, I see.”

But at least I may listen, a story that can lighter your burden, a word that share the content of those solitude heart. Listening maybe the only thing I can do, and I may not be a good listener. But just let me know, if that’s okay for you.

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable." As said by Madeleine L’Engle.

We ought to be vulnerable, so life can enter our self fully, and we can penetrate deep into the question what life is about at all. Then, we may find that life and our self were nothing different at all.

I remember a simple quote, "Ask not what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive… then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive”, by Howard Thurman. But I though for myself, the morning light has its own way to bring life a living life upon this planet.

The world may thanks to the morning light, since it isn’t only bring life force through physically and biologically phenomenon, but also a great psychologically revolution within one immediate act of mind.