Sometime, and some other many times, life is just (more or less) about human point of views. And all views is about understanding, or perhaps the capability of knowing and accepting things that we call as belief. So there, including what we belief as the right things and their opposite – the (perhaps) wrong things.
Tag: path
Last morning, I have a chat with someone from my past via twitter – not a long chat at all. She was “a nearly fiancé” to me, we know each other at high school, our families acknowledged our relationship, everything were – if I may say – beyond perfect. Well, that was definitely the story until some couple of years ago. I know nothing will last forever in this world, impermanence, but I never though it would only that long – say about four or five years.
Last night I watched this animated movie, “How To Train Your Dragon”, it is not a new movie, but still fascinating watching it, especially in high-definition. Dragons are fabulous creatures between myths and legends, almost all Eurasian have a legendary scripts about dragons or dragon-like creatures. If you talk about fantasy worlds, bed time stories, sometime would be more interesting to put a dragon within the tales.
If we were driving to reach any destination, we shall take many things into consideration. The traffic, the road, the weather, the crowd, the distance, are some of those we merged into a consideration to make us decide which way shall we take.
Some road are worthy to be avoided, especially when they prone to put us into any danger, just like land slide on the mountain road at rainy season as an example. Then life are not so different, don’t you think so?
Everybody take different paths in this life, even it seems similar, but they always has something unique that can’t be compared each other. They can be separated, can be crossed each others. They can lead to harmony, or they can bring about chaos.
That is maybe would call a reason why one needs to master one’s own path. And I think by mastering it doesn’t implies that one must be the best of the best, nor trying to reach that ultimate seat.
People – I think – prefer to walk in path that full of light, a charming path if I may say so. People love when everything look so clear, so certain instead – well, I’d love it too obviously.
People has an amazing mind function to make a kind of judgment that something is certain, I mean to make it certainty right or the opposite – certainty wrong! But sometimes the base of the judgment comes out of clarity of one own mind itself.
When it used to come in the past, I still can remember clearly that it would made me cry unintentionally. It still as clear as the day it was happened. I should know, the day when she took my heart and stabbed it right in front of my eyes – this life would be never the same again.
I know then, when I opened this very eyes, I am already heartless. I know the sense of love, but I no longer can feel it. I know the sense of pain and the fear of nightmare, but merely can’t touch it. I lost the me who were able to fall in love, who were able to touch the pain of being hurt, who were able to grasp the beauty of morning breeze.
When I got a colourless nightmare, I know I lost the capability of being human completely, just when I became heartlessly.
If people can not see the bright of the sunlight, we call them blinds, but when the me now even can not feel the very sense itself, I think I do understand the feeling of leaving the light of life, walk inside the dark maze.
But I can find no regret, I have give my heart to her completely, it wasn’t a choice, but a freedom completely to love fully. I did and only has one heart, and I did already give it completely to someone I dear most, even she then stabbed it in front of my eyes – I think I am glad, at least I see the truth in the last, that her love never exist at all.
Now I am a heartless being, with only a deep wound within. And, colourless nightmare would be the only colour of the night. Or someday maybe, there would be colourless tears.
An old friend ever asked me whether I was being enrolled any meditation school to become a meditator. I simply said “no”, since I am not a meditator, nor doing any form of meditation methods. It has been a common opinion that one who is a meditator has some prestige value within the society. No, I have no idea about meditation or being a meditator. I am simply a child within this vast universe, simply flow with the rhythm of life and the wind of my emotions.
I have no interest in meditation, but I won’t say it has no good for one’s life. Many people has found a great help inside meditation world, I have been given some chances to join multiple meditation class or short course. But for me a flowing life is a great breath without any boundaries. Ah…, maybe since I still have my young spirit. If you feel good with meditation – why not?
Yesterday I was visiting a tomb of the past. I was looking back, what I have been leaving behind, inside the stream of my very own breath. There were a lot of things those holding me back there, one of them I know it as fear. Fear made me denied myself from entering a path of unknown – path of non-sureness.
Even I knew that subtle formless thing was fear itself, but deep within me, there was never brought up an understanding about this circumstance. It was so dark, a pitch black mist which no such a weak mind like mine would be able to grasp something. The more I went deeper, the more I lost myself, the more I confused about direction.
But I was very full of myself, I asked no guidance nor opinion of others, I kept everything by myself – and believed if someday I can overcome everything by myself. Yes, everything was just about me – I was very full of myself. But I wouldn’t dare to say if today I am free of this kind ego.
Then, the more deeper I was looking for the root of my problem, my fear – I’ve found nothing, nothing at all, nothing but a dark and unknown surrounding. I was desperate, I was cried a lot, all by myself. Today I think, there is a part of me (or maybe all part of me) so fragile.
Yesterday, I was looking back on all that. What was I searching for? Was I wanting become a fearless entity? Was I wanting to understand the root of my fear? Or was just I want to know, what was happening to me?
I think, I have been wasting to much time, searching for the ‘me’ which never wanted to fully open itself for itself. Wasting to much time in looking for ‘me’ which is the creator of its own fear. If I am the fear itself, the I have no much choice but to live with it. Not opposing fear – I hope – would give me a chance somewhere in which a windows of understanding shall opened by itself.
It is a tomb of past, but still it is the present and the very future itself. Yet, I don’t understand that much, but there is something within me is saying, it feels that much.
